Do you ever lie awake at night, boggled by the words that’s been going on in your head from the moment your eyes saw the first streaks of sunlight emanating from the reigning sun?
As I let the shadows hunt me down at this time of the night, my eyes are open, wide. Even when there’s only a faint light coming from the window of my room, my mind’s lanterns are way too bright.
My body’s begging for some sleep now, but unfortunately, I just couldn’t. Yet. Mind’s the boss here, I can’t just resign.
Where am I supposed to be focusing? I feel like an internet browser with hundreds of tabs open. All are working in a high-speed motion, everything seems to be loading, and I’m afraid that I’d fail to keep up.
Somehow it’s tiring to heed the tabs open in your head- every single night. I wish I could just turn them down and pave my way to sleep. But you know what, they’re part of you. You cant- I can’t just shoo them away like they’re some kind of a venemous nope that happened to be visiting your private den.
I want to shush all the voices in my head; where memories are being played repeatedly; and words from the past that cut deep reopen my already healed scars. Guffaws and silent sobs, blending into an eerie harmony.
Even just for once, I want to take a break from this outlandish situation . These thoughts are somehow killing me. Subtly.
But in the back of my mind, something tells me that I dont want them to be gone- at least permanently. They’re still created and manufactured, by me. Even though this is starting to take over me. Maybe, I just want the thoughts in my head to calm down. Yeah, that sounds just right.©